I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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