I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
