I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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