The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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