dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I want her autograph on my taint
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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