Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
