U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
