I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
