shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
