He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think I just sharted jello shots
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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