I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize