yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
