why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
