im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
