I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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