Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
