I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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