Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize