She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
