I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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