So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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