So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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