god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
