I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
