I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
