believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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