I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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