I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize