my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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