So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
