she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize