I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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