I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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