so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize