How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
