all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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