Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
