i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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