I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
