so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Semen is not good for contacts.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
