just tell him i said nine months
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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