i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
