census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so let's talk penis.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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