If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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