Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
