I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
