if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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