I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
