a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
