I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
