This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
