If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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