You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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