Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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