I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
