omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
