Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
