God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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