I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
