Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize