No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm determined to sit on that face.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
