if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
