my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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