dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
