I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
