Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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