Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
