Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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