I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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