also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
