roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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