Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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