I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So here I am, sexting at work.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
