Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
